210+ Funny Pacemaker Jokes, One Liners & Quotes

I asked my grandpa how his new pacemaker was doing. He said, “Great—it’s the only thing keeping me and my dating profile alive.”
That tiny spark-plug for the heart has been firing off punch lines faster than EKG paper. Whether you’re a white-coat, a patient, or just someone who enjoys electricity in all the wrong places, these 210+ pacemaker jokes will keep your humor ticker well above 60 bpm. Read with caution: side effects include uncontrollable snort-laughs and the urge to high-five a cardiologist.

70+ Funny Pacemaker Jokes

1. My pacemaker’s got Wi-Fi; I’m streaming Netflix on my vena cava.
2. Grandpa’s pacemaker is so smart it swipes left on arrhythmias.
3. I asked for a charger—doctor gave me a spark-plug and a co-pay.
4. Pacemaker battery died; for three seconds I was a Microsoft product.
5. My heart’s not skipping beats—it’s buffering.
6. The pacemaker app crashed; now my heart only likes vinyl.
7. Dating a cardiac nurse: every kiss is a firmware update.
8. I told my cardiologist I needed space—he installed Bluetooth.
9. My pacemaker has a snooze button; I call it “flatline Friday.”
10. It’s not a midlife crisis—it’s just tachycardia with accessories.
11. My chest has better 5G than my phone.
12. The only club I’m beating is the atrium.
13. Pacemaker manual: “Do not insert near water.” Showering just got extreme.
14. My EKG looks like a polygraph—heart’s guilty as charged.
15. Grandpa’s pacemaker is so old it runs on floppy disks.
16. I asked for a raise—boss said I already have a high pulse.
17. My heart’s on shuffle; pacemaker hates country.
18. Cardiologist said “avoid stress,” so I unplugged my in-laws.
19. The pacemaker and my smart fridge are dating—it’s giving me heartburn.
20. I tried to jailbreak my pacemaker—now it beats to dubstep.
21. My heart has better rhythm than my college drum line.
22. Pacemaker’s got geofence; I can’t even stalk my ex without extra beats.
23. I sneezed and my pacemaker hit “like” on Facebook.
24. My chest is literally lit—LEDs, baby.
25. Heart said “YOLO,” pacemaker said “LOL, no.”
26. I told Siri to slow my roll—she called 911.
27. My pulse is pay-per-view.
28. The only spikes in my life are on the monitor.
29. My heart’s got DLC: Downloadable Cardio-content.
30. I tried meditation—pacemaker auto-corrected to “motorvation.”
31. My heartbeat has ads; skip in 5…4…3…
32. Cardiologist calls it “hardware,” I call it “emotional support lightning.”
33. My pacemaker speaks French—every arrhythmia is a petite mort.
34. I asked for a second opinion—pacemaker said “bzzt.”
35. My heart’s influencer era: sponsored by Duracell.
36. The only time I’m shocked is when the bill arrives.
37. My chest could jump-start a Prius.
38. I told my Valentine “you make my heart race”—she asked for the copay.
39. Pacemaker has parental controls; can’t watch horror films.
40. My heart’s got a CAPTCHA—prove you’re not a clot.
41. I tried to turn it off and on again—nurse tackled me.
42. My pulse is a push notification.
43. The pacemaker has AirDrop—receiving beats from strangers.
44. I joined a band: The Ventricular Vibes.
45. My heart’s got a Tinder profile: “6v, 60 bpm, loves long walks to the cath lab.”
46. I asked for beats by Dre—got beats by Medtronic.
47. My cardiac silhouette is thicc—with two C’s and a battery.
48. I tried to factory reset—needed a priest and a tech support guy.
49. My heart’s got DRM; can’t pirate these rhythms.
50. The only torrent I seed is tachycardia.
51. My chest has better uptime than Netflix.
52. I got a warranty extension—beats per life.
53. My heart’s on airplane mode during sex—doctor’s orders.
54. The pacemaker has a dark mode; I call it “asystole.”
55. I tried to uninstall—body said “fatal error.”
56. My pulse is paywalled; subscribe for premium beats.
57. Cardiologist updated my firmware—now I love jazz.
58. My heart’s got a screensaver: bouncing EKG cat.
59. I tried to share location—pacemaker sent “travelling at 0 mph, still alive.”
60. My chest is a smart home; Alexa, cardio me.
61. The only heavy metal I like is in my chest cavity.
62. I asked for a discount—got a coupon for jumper cables.
63. My heart’s got NFTs: Non-Flushable Tachycardias.
64. I tried to mute it—nurse laughed, then sedated.
65. My pulse has a password; hint: “what’s my copay?”
66. The pacemaker has low-power mode; I call it “nap.”
67. I tried to cast it to TV—got banned from Best Buy.
68. My heart’s got DLC: Dracula’s Lightning Coupon.
69. Cardiologist said “live wirely.” I said “that’s not a word.” He shrugged.
70. My pacemaker’s life motto: “Stay positive, stay shocking.”

70+ Pacemaker Jokes One Liners

71. I don’t need coffee; I’ve got 3 volts and a death wish.

72. My heart’s got Wi-Fi, but the password is “copay2025.”

73. I sneeze and the smoke detector applauds.

74. My chest is the only thing that sparks on the first date.

75. I’m not tachycardic, I’m just happy to see you.

76. My pulse is pay-per-view—no free trials.

77. I told my heart to skip a beat—it said “subscription expired.”

78. My pacemaker’s got trust issues; every shock is a loyalty test.

79. I don’t flirt, I just sync to your heartbeat.

80. My EKG is a lie detector; yes, I ate the last cookie.

81. I tried to unplug—life said “nope, premium only.”

82. My heart’s got autocorrect; arrhythmia becomes “a rhythm, ya!”

83. I asked for space—doctor installed satellite.

84. My chest is a hotspot; 5G, 2 clots, 1 copay.

85. I’m not irregular, I’m artisanal.

86. My pulse has more ups than Netflix stock.

87. I tried airplane mode—turns out that’s just death.

88. My heart’s got a firewall; viruses need prior authorization.

89. I don’t do drugs, I do firmware.

90. My cardiologist is my DJ—drops the beat, literally.

91. I’m shocked how much I’m charged to be shocked.

92. My heart’s got a CAPTCHA: select all squares with chest hair.

93. I told death “not today”—pacemaker set a calendar reminder.

94. My chest could charge your Tesla; swipe right for free juice.

95. I’m not flatlining, I’m buffering.

96. My heart’s got a dark sense of humor—it flatlines for punch lines.

97. I tried to hibernate—pacemaker said “spring cleaning.”

98. My pulse is a pop-up ad—no way to close it.

99. I don’t need pep talks, I need pep volts.

100. My heart’s on shuffle; next up: cardiac arrest remix.

101. I asked for a sign—got a waveform.

102. My chest is a power bank; plug in at your own risk.

103. I’m not anxious, I’m just pre-shocked.

104. My heartbeat has spoilers—skip if you hate suspense.

105. I tried to unsubscribe—button is internal.

106. My heart’s got DRM; can’t pirate this rhythm.

107. I don’t need Tinder, I’ve got ventricular chemistry.

108. My pulse is a cliffhanger—season finale every night.

109. I told my heart “break a leg”—it took it literally.

110. My chest is a smart device; updates while I sleep, bills while I wake.

111. I’m not blushing, I’m just over-clocked.

112. My heart’s got a sense of humor—beats in Morse code: LOL.

113. I tried to mute it—life said “premium sound only.”

114. My EKG is my signature—squiggly and overpriced.

115. I don’t need coffee, I’ve got copper wire.

116. My heart’s got a warranty—void if exposed to exes.

117. I’m not short-circuited, I’m creatively wired.

118. My pulse is a push notification: “Still alive, pay up.”

119. I tried to ghost life—pacemaker snitched.

120. My chest is a VIP lounge—no cover, just copay.

121. I’m not high maintenance, I’m high voltage.

122. My heart’s got a screensaver: dancing stethoscope.

123. I asked for a break—got a fracture.

124. My pulse is a subscription model—auto-renew till death.

125. I don’t do cardio, cardio does me.

126. My heart’s got Bluetooth—pairs with anxiety.

127. I tried to log out—required a priest.

128. My chest is a slot machine; three shocks and I win a bill.

129. I’m not irregular, I’m limited edition.

130. My heartbeat has ads; skip in 5…4… still here.

131. I told my heart “surprise me”—it stopped.

132. My pacemaker’s got jokes—shocks me during sex for timing.

133. I don’t need pep rallies, I need jumper cables.

134. My heart’s got a Terms of Service—no one reads it.

135. I tried to AirDrop my pulse—got three marriage proposals.

136. My chest is a hotspot; connect at 180 bpm.

137. I’m not defibrillating, I’m just enthusiastic.

138. My pulse is a spoiler alert—skip if you hate plot twists.

139. I asked for a discount—got a prayer and a bill.

140. My heart’s got a sense of humor—it flatlines at dad jokes.

70+ Funny Pacemaker Quotes

141. “My pacemaker is the only one who truly gets my heart.” —Tinder bio
142. “I don’t need therapy, I need a firmware update.” —Me, to cardiology
143. “To thine own self be true—to thine own shock be 3.2 volts.” —Shakespeare if he had Wi-Fi
144. “I think, therefore I arrhythmia.” —Descartes in 2024
145. “The only rhythm I can’t dance to is asystole.” —Dancing with the Stars contestant
146. “My heart is powered by Duracell and denial.” —Overachievers Anonymous
147. “Keep your friends close and your cardiologist closer.” —Mafia patient
148. “Life is what happens between shocks.” —Instagram reel caption
149. “Flatline is just a fancy way of saying ‘loading…’” —Tech support cardiologist
150. “I’m not dead, I’m just buffering.” —Grandpa’s TikTok
151. “Behind every great man is a great pacemaker.” —Wife at Costco
152. “You miss 100% of the shocks you don’t take.” —Wayne Gretzky, if he had heart block
153. “I’ve got 99 problems but a pulse ain’t one.” —Rap battle in cath lab
154. “Home is where the shock is.” —Embroidered pillow on Etsy
155. “I run on batteries and sarcasm.” —Coffee mug in cardiology lounge
156. “My heart’s in the cloud—download at your own risk.” —Silicon Valley patient
157. “To infinity and beyond—unless my battery hits 10%.” —Buzz Lightyear on Medicare
158. “Keep calm and carry on—unless you’re magnet-rated, then panic.” —Hospital sign
159. “I’m just here for the free Wi-Fi and EKGs.” —Every med student ever
160. “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a charged battery.” —Amazon review
161. “I like my coffee like my pacemaker: strong, hot, and covered by insurance.” —Break-room quote
162. “The way to a man’s heart is through his subclavian vein.” —Cardiac surgeon pickup line
163. “My heart beats for you—literally, it has no choice.” —Romantic but accurate
164. “I’m shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked.” —Casablanca 2: Electric Boogaloo
165. “Life is short; my QT interval shorter.” —T-shirt slogan
166. “I’ve got a heart-on for technology.” —Nerd convention badge
167. “Don’t go breaking my heart—seriously, I’ll flatline.” —Divorce court
168. “I’m in a complicated relationship—it’s complicated by third-degree block.” —Facebook status
169. “My heart’s got more updates than Windows 11.” —PC user patient
170. “I left my heart in San Francisco—tech support says it’s still syncing.” —Travel blogger
171. “Good things come to those who wait—bad things come to those who wait without a pacemaker.” —Motivational poster
172. “I’m not lazy, I’m energy-efficient.” —Battery-powered life motto
173. “My heart’s the original wearable tech.” —Apple employee on weekends
174. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my pulse.” —Marilyn Mon-pace
175. “I’ve got a magnetic personality—keep your keys away.” —Bar joke
176. “My heart’s open-source—fork me on GitHub.” —Developer patient
177. “I’m living my best life—one millivolt at a time.” —Influencer caption
178. “I put the ‘lit’ in ‘literal life support.’” —Gen Z grandpa
179. “My heart’s got more blocks than Minecraft.” —Gamer grandpa
180. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him not to use a magnet.” —Rom-com remake
181. “You had me at ‘normal sinus rhythm.’” —Cardiology wedding vow
182. “My heart’s got a VIP list—no PVCs allowed.” —Bouncer cardiologist
183. “I’m not irregular, I’m boutique.” —Marketing rebrand
184. “My pulse is a premium feature—subscribe for full access.” —SaaS slogan
185. “I run on electricity and bad decisions.” —College bumper sticker
186. “My heart’s got better connectivity than my Wi-Fi.” —Remote worker
187. “I’m here for a good time and a long QT time.” —Club night disclaimer
188. “My heart’s got DRM—can’t pirate this beat.” —Anti-piracy ad
189. “I’ve got 3 volts and a dream.” —Startup pitch
190. “My heart’s in airplane mode—please stay seated.” —Flight announcement
191. “I’m not flatlining, I’m just socially distancing from life.” —Pandemic humor
192. “My heart’s got a firewall—no viruses, just cholesterol.” —Cybersecurity patient
193. “I like my shocks like my jokes: well-timed and covered by insurance.” —Comedy open mic
194. “My heart’s the original metaverse—fully immersive.” —Tech conference
195. “I’m not high-maintenance, I’m just high-voltage.” —Relationship status
196. “My heart’s got a Terms of Service—fine print says ‘no magnets.’” —Legal department
197. “I’m just a battery’s way of making more batteries.” —Philosophy 101
198. “My heart’s got a spoiler alert—it ends well.” —Movie critic
199. “I’ve got 99 problems but a bradycardia ain’t one.” —Jay-Z if he went to med school
200. “My heart’s got a sense of humor—it laughs in sinus tachycardia.” —Final quote
201. “Keep your heart open, but your subclavian closed.” —Safety PSA
202. “My heart’s got better uptime than Amazon Web Services.” —IT cardiologist
203. “I’m not shocked easily—except when I am, and it’s $40,000.” —Hospital bill review
204. “My heart’s got a dark mode—it’s called ‘asystole.’” —Settings menu
205. “I’m living proof you can’t buy love, but you can buy a pulse.” —Receipt paper
206. “My heart’s got a CAPTCHA: prove you’re not a clot.” —Login screen
207. “I’m not a robot, but my heart’s got a recaptcha.” —Turing test
208. “My heart’s got a playlist—shuffle at your own risk.” —Spotify wrap-up
209. “I’m just here for the shocks and giggles.” —Life motto
210. “My pacemaker and I have an open relationship—it sees other hearts, I see other bills.” —Couples therapy

Keep your charge, share the sparks, and remember: if someone says you’re “shocking,” take it as a compliment—your pulse sure does.